-weather

Life is like the weather. It is ever changing. At times it may be unstable and frequently changing pattern. There are those glorious sunny days where everything simply feels wonderful, perfect even. Then there are the days when it feels like the storm of the century is hitting and all you can do is endure or wither away.

Lately it is feeling like one of those storms equipped with the insecurities of the next change that it will take. Things are easily denied and when a person is faced with a situation they cannot ignore, they are forced to handle it. Of course there is always the option of hiding away, locking you inside away from outside contact. It sounds so simple and blissful, but everything must come to an end eventually. This morning was my end. My door’s lock rusted off and the misery broke through with a vengeance. There was no warning as is the case often; only a wave of water that felt like it would truly drown me. Things no longer were easy to fix and the lines became blurred beyond recognition.

The question now has become: how do you change the weather? How can you fix something that is out of your hands? My conclusion has been this – writing until my heart bleeds upon my keyboard. I have not been able to change this weather thus far and it is looking even grimmer as the minutes fly past. This is based upon my life currently and no, I don’t need you to sympathize nor give advice. Journaling is my healing process.




We shall start from the beginning. Four weeks ago, my grandfather was admitted into the hospital with a mild stroke/heart attack. He had a 90% blockage of his carotid artery. Because of this, the doctors couldn’t perform the operation to put the stint in his neck to help blood flow. If they had, they would have pushed the clot into his brain and caused a massive stroke. He had his surgery and was recovering very quickly for the fact of his age and how many health problems he has had in the past. At midnight, he was re-admitted for complications. The doctors found a mass in his side that is hypersensitive and have no idea what it could be. The first assumption was his appendix, but that was removed years ago. No one has heard from the hospital since he has been there. We are praying for the best, but bracing ourselves to be safe. I am truly frightened of losing him. He has been the father figure in my life that I never had. We haven’t been that close since I’ve gotten older, but have been working on it together. At the same time that I don’t want him to pass on, I don’t want him to be in pain either. Uncertainty is the worst feeling a person could have.



Another part of my own storm is my beautiful fiancée. Things with his family have been very difficult for everyone since they were evicted. We took them in as long as our finances would allow us to. With doing so, we took on the responsibility of his sisters, one of which caused problems frequently. This naturally hurt my mother greatly and I took on the role of watching them as much as I could. Zack naturally helped with this because he was worried about my stress levels. The problems really came in two days ago when he mentioned emancipation. We talked about it for a couple of minutes, but didn’t dwell on it. Things at that precise moment were pretty hectic and I was just too tired. (Yes, I’m guilty of ignoring his social needs at times. I admit it.) Last night, my family was discussing what he could do if he did get emancipated and my mother asked me to discuss it with him. I did. My response was quiet hostility that really was upsetting. The night before last, he was hostile on the phone as well. Naturally, I’ve been wondering if it was the subject, how I approached it, or the fact it was just the phone. There are so many things it can be and each one of them is so difficult with their own approaches.



Needless to say, my storm still has a very long while before things will be sunny again. Days feel longer than what they are, but it’s only a matter of time before things improve. Even the smallest of things will help. The eighteenth can’t come sooner. Cupcake is sure to cheer me up. She always does. (: