humanity: the weak condition

Good morning, folks! This morning is a very special morning because I will be making points that refer directly to the people in my life. It is all up to you to piece together which is for you and which is for another person. If you can't do that, tough shit. (: You may ask if it is or not, but you have to do it in a comment here. I don't want to sort through it on MySpace, okay kiddos? Fabulous! (Side note: Yes, I'm aware certain things that I'm writing apply to me and I'm WORKING on them. Don't you dare call me hypocritical or so help me gosh.)



#1. I believe that everyone lies at least a small bit, whether it's for personal amusement or to try and benefit another. There is, however, a line that should not be crossed. There are days when it is just simply beyond stupid to lie about and there are subjects that you should never lie about. If you say something knowing that someone has their hopes counting on it and you never follow through - that's a prime example.

#2. A key point in a friendship is knowing how to put yourself in the other person's shoes. That means that you have to take yourself out of your little content box and understand that not all things are easy to get over. Some things don't just go away and they take more than a week to deal with. Stick your feet in their shoes before acting irritated. Learn how to be understanding and accepting. Hell, one step further, be open-minded.

#3. If you don't like how someone handles their business or how what they say to you, say something to them. It really serves no point to make a generalized statement about "everyone" when it includes that person. It's quite rude and I'm getting quite tired of it.

#4. This applies to one person, not a group/numbers of you. Believe in me. For once. Believe that I won't hurt you and believe that I'd do anything you ask me to do. Just humor me, please. For God sakes, if I'm still loving you now, it isn't going away. Wake up. Smell the roses, darling.









Things are not easy as pie for me at the given time. Don't give me your pity, there's no reason to and it is very unnecessary. My mentality isn't perfect and I'm not concerned about myself or much of anyone besides exactly seven people. Lately things are really busy over here and my grandmother is not doing well, m'kay? Who do you think is going to take priority, really. She gave my mom life, she just lost her husband. Get the point that I'm not going to be able to chill with you every day or call or write, etc. I'm trying, more than you can see, obviously. I need slack right now, graduation is coming up and I'm trying to get my classes caught up in. Unless you're a senior right at this moment, don't give me that bullshit about calming down and that I can do it. I'm aware of what I'm capable of and I know how hard I'm going to push for it to get done, but in order to that, I can't have people breathing down my throat 24/7.



UNDERSTAND. I try my best to do it with each of you. Doesn't make me perfect. Doesn't make you perfect. Everyone is entitled to their flaws and this is my opinion right now. If it offended you for how blunt those little four numbers were, you shouldn't have read it. That's it, no apologies. You don't have to be talkative with me, you don't have to even acknowledge me. The end. (:

A lovely reminder.

This one of many to come posts devoted solely to those who have been my support through hardship. Without you gals and guys I would be pretty screwed in most of the situations that I've wandered into. :p This is in the order of how long that I've known each person, that doesn't mean that I love any one of you more than another, so don't get pissy now. Haha. (More will be added as my brain functions more. Sections may be expanded after I drink a delicious Monster.)



Timie: Your are the equivalent to my brother. I've known you for so long now that I really can't count the years, although I'm sure you could. Damn you and your math! :p You grew up with me since I really was just a kid. You've always been the one to beat the snot out of my troublesome ex-boyfriends and to let me cry on your shoulder when it's just too much. Even though you don't know most of my family, you have been there if something happened. You haven't judged my actions, but instead my personality. You were actually the first person that came into my life who has done that. It showed me what to look for in a person, especially in a guy and for that I'll always be in your debt. You're a loud-mouth and I absolutely adore that. You aren't afraid of how others may or may not perceive your actions or your beliefs. You're the person who's seen all of my stupidity in actions - the drinking, drugs, and random things that I will leave unmentioned here. You are stuck being a member of my family, whether you enjoy that or not.



Brandi: You have been the closest thing to a sister that I have ever known. We've fought, loved, and most of all, experienced life together. With the recent loss in my family, you have shown me just how amazing you can truly be. Not many girls are capable of putting aside anger to comfort another, but you have. I'm glad that we're on speaking terms again and I'm certainly glad that you allow me to pester you so frequently with random questions for insight. You're stubborn, opinionated, and emotional. You have the ability to love and move past the bad to see the better in people. If someone hurts you, you always give them another chance. I've seen you mature more quickly than I would have liked, but you have grown into a very beautiful young lady. You will always be a member of my family. Your family will always mean the world to me, especially your mom and grandma. Those two are just spectacular. I know things have been difficult for you lately, but it will get better. You have a strange way of making it happen. One day you'll have tell me your trick with that one. (:



Rikki: I honestly never thought that I could make such a spectacular friend in group counseling of all places. You have always been there for me, regardless of how much or little we spoke that month. Whenever I get the chance to visit California, you've always been the first phone call that I've ever made. I miss you more than words can express on their own. You were the light in my life for a very long while. You were the person who got me out of bed and gave me the hope to motivate me through the day. No matter what choices that I made, you never held them against me. Instead you pushed me to better myself as a whole. You taught me more than anyone else that you don't have the stay the same, that you can change drastically without needing the approval of friends or family. You are always in my heart and definitely in my thoughts. All I can say is that I look forward to seeing you the moment that car gets over the California border. (:


Lisa: We haven't talked much lately, but you still mean the world to me. We have our difference of opinions and I do believe that's why it's been so ridiculously enjoyable when we do talk/spend time together. You aren't afraid to question things and you're too damn smart for your own good at times. I love how we splurge on Diet Pepsi before all else and I absolutely adore how compassionate you are, even if it takes time to get that side of you to come out. You have given me better advice than most anyone my own age. You've been a motivation for me to stop procrastinating with homework and life itself. Whether you're aware of it or not, you took a lot of my fear away. Even if we may not speak as much as we used to, you're still in my thoughts and I still wish only the absolute best for you. <3



Cristen: You were the first person that I noticed in Spanish class that day. You are quiet, but amazing once you open up. You have a stunning taste in fashion and you're the healthiest person that I've ever met. No matter how awful things get in your life, you still find the ability in your heart to be there for your friends and others who are close to you. We've had our disagreements, but that's normal for any family member. (; I will always be here to listen to your thoughts or to murder whoever hurts you. Whichever the case may be, you're always going to be in my life. It could be something as lame as an e-mail, but you aren't escaping my dear. :D You are more than a beautiful girl, you're flawless. It doesn't matter much whether you disagree or not because that won't change my opinion. You are bright and have more potential than the majority of the idiots in this state. Never let go of your dreams and never forget the grass always gets greener. It just needs a little more water some times than others.



Dani: Firstly, I will always love you. No, not as family, but as more. I'm not afraid of admitting that, regardless of how cranky Zachary or Donovan decide to get. You have been my unfaltering support and my violence buddy. When things got truly miserable, no matter where you were at, you called, you came. You've been my muse with a lot of the writings that no one has ever seen. You've been the inspiration to keep me from doing something dreadful, which isn't the easiest thing to do lately. I know how strong you are, but I've seen you at your most vulnerable state. No matter what you believe or see as right, to me you will always be the small glimpse of perfect that only shows around a few times in a lifetime.


Riley: You're the newest person that I have accepted in my circle of care. In the short time that we have known each other, you have managed to make me laugh more than half the people that I know. You have changed my negatives into positives, even if it turned out awkward in the end. With the events that have been happening lately, you have been extremely accepting. Not many people have the capability to be so patient with someone else's loss. You've got a seriously adorable voice, but you have a personality that is so far off that. Even as silent as you may get at times, you've been incredibly protective of not only me, but even Cristen. It honestly shocked me the first time you said you wanted to hit Zack with the bat. In a good way though, like having one of those HUGE Monsters good way. :D I hope that we'll always stay close. After all, without you, we're not the flawless triplets. (;

Wtf m8? Haha.

There are various things that make my skin crawl. Dirty politics, ignorance about hygiene, negligent parents, etc. The latest thing to add upon my list is Zachary's father. Oh hell, he's been there, but not quite so much as he placed himself last night. I've had my fair share of dealing with disgruntled adults, but this man acts as though he's seven years old. It has gotten to an absolutely ridiculous point. He actually told my mother, who was exhausted, that he would keep calling every five minutes until she brought him home. Naturally this lead to a great deal of yelling. It's never a wise idea to screw with anyone that tired. I defused the situation, being the nice little girl that I am. In fact I even let him bitch to me about my own mother, having no idea what was said on the phone. It is probably the last time that I'm remotely decent to that blob.


I know how short my mother's fuse can get and part of it was chalked up to that in my mind. Oblivious to me, she had a damn good reason to be pissed off. She has provided for their entire family, giving them a home as long as we could afford, for of course, they didn't pay a dime. He is an inconsiderate man to the point where it is disgusting. She just lost her father. Does that matter? Not in the least bit. Does it matter that we supported his family as much as possible when his father passed? Nope. Not one tiny bit. Yes, it wasn't the largest contribution ever made to a grieving family, but we hardly knew any of them at that point. He knows our family.

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Alright, that was only my part one in this damn thing. Part two comes from a situation that has really nothing in particular to deal with me directly. Now, this is your big, glorious moment to scamper away before I rant about bullshit. Yes, it really is bullshit because the situation is god damn ignorance and nothing else.


So my good friend, (name has been changed) Janice, has been dealing with quite a pestering situation. One of the friends that she had made back when we weren't talking decided to pull absolute ridiculous things. Janice has been dealing with being lied to frequently by this ragamuffin. She has watched this girl befriend her ex-boyfriend and spend more time with him than Janice, but she took this on the chin all in good humor. Then the lying began. This girl, who is going to remain nameless for the sake of Janice, decided to turn around and call Janice the liar. Clever way to get out of something? Not really. In fact it is absolutely absurd that it would come to that. I had my doubts about this girl when Janice and I started communicating again simply for how many times she had blown off Janice. I let it go, not wanting to cause Janice, who by this time was already so far into stress-headaches it was unreal, any more issues. Things just progressively got worse and worse to the point where it is now. Janice is actually pissed off at this girl. Did it need to get this far? NO. Hell no. The girl decided to let it drag on this long. Why? Her own ignorance. Her own pleasure perhaps. There is no decent answer to that nor is there one that would amount to anything.





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Okay, I'm done for tonight.
Thank you for reading my
ridiculous blog full of rants.

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When people can breathe for a moment, with no interference, perspective seems to come rushing in. Perhaps denial is the safest way for the mind to deal with something simply too traumatic. Perhaps it's just a way to give false hope in the feeble minded. To deal with certain events that happen to other so frequently to others, feels strange and cold. No matter how many I'm-so-sorry's and how many times I'm told "he's in a better place," it feels like I'm alone. It's a ridiculous notion, my family is suffering just as much, but in my mind, nothing that needs to be expressed can find words. They simply stumble out in a blind fashion that is incoherent, pointless, even exhausting. Being an optimist is just gone and it does feel like one of my brightest stars burned out.


I will live for him. I will carry on his values, but may not always follow in his footsteps. He was a good man, but everyone must become an individual before truly accepting conformity logically. I will help her get through and survive. I will be there for his children, even if they are fifty or more years older than me. Eventually, I will provide what he couldn't and tried so desperately to the family. I will work through and support those in need not necessarily with money, but with advice that has been passed from him before it happened. He can never die because his memory will always live on in me and the younger generations in the family.




He was the closest thing to a father that I had.
I will never forget what he has taught me.
I will honor his wishes.













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